Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Price You Pay For Being Good

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
 
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

 
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Ant & Grasshopper

Ancient Version

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. *

Modern Version

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant ' s a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

*NDTV, BBC, CNN * show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper allowed suffering so? *

Arundhati Roy ** *stages a demonstration in front of the Ant ' s house . *

Medha Patkar** *goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.*

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan *criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The *Internet* is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) . *

Opposition MPs *stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. *

Lalu Prasad *allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the ' Grasshopper Rath ' .

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' *Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act ' *[POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.*

Arjun Singh *makes '*Special Reservation *' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant; fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes; its home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' *A Triumph of Justice* ' .

Lalu calls it '*Socialistic Justice *' .

CPM calls it the ' *Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden *'

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the *UN General Assembly*. *

Many years later*

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in *Silicon Valley* .

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...

because of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, *India is still a developing country!!!*

Time Please

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
 
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.
 
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
 
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
 
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.
 
Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
 
Young Man: Possible
Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you and you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles.
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
 
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
 
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
 
Young Man: Oh Yes! and smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch!

Problem of an Engineer

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said
 
Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.
 
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
 
Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only
 
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
 
Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...
 
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
 
Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:
 
Doctor: OK. Tell me.
 
Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
 
I get up in the morning like a horse
 
I go to work running like a deer
 
I work all the day like a donkey
 
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
 
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
 
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
 
I am like a rabbit before my wife
 
Doctor: are you an engineer?
 
Man: Yes
 
Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are are an engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

How Heaven Screen its Applicants

A man and his dog died together, and after death, were walking along a road. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind".

Where are you right now?

A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel asked....

Baby: Mother, mother, may I ask you some questions?
Mother: Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?

Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.

Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does! Said the mother proudly.

Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight.
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride....

Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert...Then what the hell are we doing here in the Zzzoooooo!

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place"

Marvellous Answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
 
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."
 
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
 
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".